After all…
I’ve had my highs and I’ve had my lows. I’ve had defeats but I’ve also had victories and battles won- those that only I and my One will ever know.
I’ve had days when nothing seemed right… but I simply chose to keep right on.
But the more I think of it, the more it dawns on me that I’ve had more days, when lost as I had always felt I was, and feeble as I had always conceded myself to be, I found “me”, at the descent of each night, retiring to a sense of balance, of calmness and security. Those were days I struggled to keep to my knees though absolutely no words came…though emptiness preceded me.
It was no different from taking a train ride to a destination unplanned, more so unconsidered, but keeping to the ride anyhow, knowing the train is definitely headed somewhere and the trainman is in control.
I have nothing much to show on the outside - no title to boot, no swanky position to stamp on my name cards, no fancy car and stuff to say I have “indeed” arrived. Leave me alongside my colleagues and I’d start looking deprived by time, still wielding a rank I’ve had for the past 8 years, 8 long years of my life. Eight years with no movement has definitely been frustrating and downright unflattering, especially if 7 out of 8, have been nothing but tumultuous rides and unshifting tides.
But last night, I found myself counting victories and uncovering more triumphs than I could consider. My heart was racing fast as my One took me through a journey, back through 8 laborious years, and showed me how I had been reaping conquests, after all, more than what I thought to be defeats… and how I had been harvesting, all along, what I have failed to recognize as diamonds in the dust. They kept on coming, this avalanche of gold, that I had to close my eyes and shut my ears, and beg for all these to stop.
The joy was too much for me to handle, too exhilarating for me to contain within the confines of my undeserving heart. It was ruining and not sustaining me at all. I started exalting myself over my neighbors, and began reveling in conceit knowing my victories were of a different and rare kind.
But I honestly cannot contain my joy. Out of the abundance of my heart, a wellspring of victories is waiting to flow. And much as I’d love to keep this within, I’d much rather see this gushing stream spill out and find its way back to its source. Maybe I can keep some to myself, but just enough to leave me perched on my knees, and sufficient to tide me through my moments of tenacity. I have, after all, a lot more victories to reap.
Victory, after all, is not a flag raised, high above the battlefields, for everyone to see. Victory is, after all, the serenity that calms each battle-ridden heart at the end of each day and the equanimity that resonates through each new day afterwards.
As I inscribe these thoughts onto my journal, a song keeps playing in my mind. For all I know, I may have summoned it from somewhere and bound it close to my heart, knowing I need it, admitting I am still too raw, still too shallow to hold such affluence. And so I re-phrased it to my liking to assume what (I have conceded to be) my feeble self can… for the time being… fathom and embrace…
in my One alone will I glory though i could pride myself in battles won
for i’ve been blessed beyond measure and by His strength alone i overcome
oh i could stop and count successes like diamonds in my hands
but those trophies could not equal to the grace by which i stand…
in my One alone i place my trust
and find my glory in the power of the cross,
in every victory let it be said of me,
my source of strength, my source of hope is in my One alone
in my one alone will i triumph for only by His grace i am redeemed
and only His tender mercy could reach beyond my weakness to my need
and now i seek no greater honor than just to know Him more
and to count my gains but losses to the glory of my One.
in my One alone I place my trust
and find my glory in the power of the cross,
in every victory let it be said of me
my source of strength, my source of hope is in my One.. and my One, alone.
And so I withdraw into the night, ready for the morrow where there await more battles to be won and more victories to be shared between me and my One.
